Okay, TheWeddingChannel.com, you’ve pissed me off.
Please see this page for reference.
I know that Part 2 focused on their “Beauty List,” but after reading the above article I felt so indignant I had to make them Part 3, as well. Damn, even Brides.com didn’t go as far as these assholes. Playing on the anxiety of brides-to-be, feeding them myths and stereotypes, and then claiming that ‘shaping up’ is some kind of ritualized training to be a wife, makes me sick, and MUST be exposed here, so everyone can smell their shit-and-baloney.
The formula for weight loss is a simple one: Calories burned must exceed calories consumed.
So it makes sense that the best way to begin your new lifestyle is by shaping up your diet.
Oh hey, you’ve convinced me. What a simple formula, it’s just a wonder EVERYONE isn’t thin!
To keep your energy level high enough to plan your wedding, choose a safe, healthy eating plan that targets a loss of 1 to 2 pounds a week, which, for most of us, means consuming about 1200 calories a day.
…despite the fact that Ansel Keyes’ Starvation Study showed that there is significant psychological and physical symptoms of starvation at just 1600 calories a day, and these brilliant morons want you to restrict to 1200! Huh, I wonder if your energy level is going to be high enough to “plan your wedding” (which apparently is your only function as a bride-to-be, and the only thing you have to worry about having enough energy for).
If you have a significant amount of weight to lose before the wedding — say 20 pounds — you’ll need to start your diet between 5 and 6 months before the big day.
…despite the Starvation Study being 1600 cal/day for 3 months, with all the bad side effects.
But because you want to lose fat weight — not just body weight — keeping your calorie intake hovering at 1200 isn’t your only concern. Here’s why: According to fitness expert William D. McArdle, PhD and Professor Emeritus at the Department of Family, Nutrition and Exercise Science at Queens College at CUNY, when you diet without exercising, your body uses lean muscle mass for energy.
…a starving body starts eating itself. Shouldn’t that be worrisome enough? Why would you want to starve yourself to the point where your body starts to want to consume your muscle mass? Gods!
But if you add exercise to your daily routine, your body will turn to those pesky fat stores for fuel.
…ew, PESKY JIGGLY ICKY FAT OMG! It’s not like body fat serves, yanno, a purpose. Like ensuring you don’t fucking starve to death, and giving you the energy to live NORMALLY.
So to trim your arms, abs, and buns, you’ve got to start with a program that benefits your whole body, not just the areas your wedding dress emphasizes.
I like how any sort of weight loss is automatically associated with “benefiting” your body. God, our society is sick!
Feeding Your Workout
Once you’ve begun your workout routine, you may feel that such sweat and strain entitles you to a big burger with the works and a giant order of fries. Don’t be fooled. Remember, the key to weight loss is to expend more calories than you consume, so if you’ve upped exercise only to up calorie intake, you won’t get the results you’re looking for.
…which is to starve starve starve the jiggle away, and make those collarbones really POP! And while we’re on the subject, I’m glad they’ve finally discovered the “key to weight loss.” They’ll surely make millions, and everyone will automatically become slim.
In fact, when you get regular exercise, you need to be even more vigilant about what you eat. Your body, having become a more efficient machine, relies on the vitamins and minerals found in healthy food to fuel itself and develop muscle and lean tissue. In addition to lean meats and dairy, fresh fruits and vegetables, and whole grains, add a multivitamin to your daily diet to make certain you get the nutrients you need.
…Eating multivitamins in place of food which contains those vitamins is one of the first steps towards an eating disorder.
And now the kicker, from which I derived the title of this post:
Resolutions for Life
Once you’ve begun your healthy diet and exercise plan,
…1200 calories a day is healthy?? Exercising until you drop, ignoring your body’s need for fuel is healthy??? What fucking PLANET are you living on?
there’s one big challenge left: Sticking to your guns.
I think the bigger challenge is: Not dropping dead.
And not just until your wedding day. The key to long-term weight loss is making healthy eating and fitness part of your lifestyle forever.
…until death from starvation do us part!
So, why not start your marriage out right by dedicating yourself to a sensible diet and active lifestyle?
…unlike the diet and activity mentioned here
(If you can involve your spouse in this effort, so much the better.)
Yeah, get Fatty McGroom on the Guilt Wagon!
This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever enjoy food or indulge yourself once in a while.
…yeah, you can enjoy food once or twice a year if you exercise twice as hard the next day.
However, you’ll want to avoid reverting to unhealthy eating habits and regaining the weight you’ll have worked so hard to lose.
Why? Why will they want that? What if they get pregnant? What if they have a change in their life and can’t obsess about food anymore as their primary concern, and spend two hours a day in the gym? What if they, like 95%-98% of ALL DIETERS, regain the weight in 5 years? Then what? Their life is going to end? They’re going to magically catch TEH DIABEETUS from their fat? They’re going to be a worse wife? A worse mother? A worse person? They should be ashamed? They should give up all their hobbies, interests, scholarships, talents, family interests, because they live by your fucking disordered, starvation-standards of bone-thin beauty??
If you find it hard to stay motivated on your own — and most people do — consider seeking out a weight loss organization for advice and support.
…oh yeah, feed the coffers of the bloated weight loss industry, which likely is funding this article in some way. Yeah, they’re SO successful…that’s why everyone is TEH SKINNY!
If you take “weight loss for life” seriously, you’ll feel as good about yourself on your 20th anniversary as you will on your wedding day!
Yeah, starving, tired, beaten-up, low-esteemed, anxious, obsessed, and tortured.