Disclaimer: to get a sense of TheWeddingChannel’s approach to “bridal fitness,” take a gander at this page, which features the timeless introductory anecdote: “They’re coming. Somewhere on the planning calendar between This Engagement Party and That Bridal Shower, fittings for that big, dreamy dress will be scheduled. And if you’re like most brides, you’d much rather the seams of your wedding gown be taken in, rather than be let out.”
Of course. Because there’s nothing more embarrassing, humiliating, and demoralizing than growing disgusting fat on your body, is there? And you know, if you don’t starve starve starve run run run, you’ll get ICKY OMG FAT!
Welcome to the second in my pre-wedding, ritualized bridal masochism series! Today, we look at the “Beauty” page on www.theweddingchannel.com.
And on this beauty page, brides-to-be, they’ve generously gone ahead and answered all the burning, necessary questions any bride in her right mind MUST ASK before “her big day”!!
Can your beauty style reflect your personality?
Wow, what a concept! I was certain I was supposed to merely mimic the most popular style at the moment, regardless of unimportant things as what I actually like or dislike.
Which beauty treatments are most popular with brides?
Oh, there we go. Guess it’s not about personality at all, is it?
How can you keep your perfume from fading?
No shit, I need this stuff to keep knocking out Mr. Groom all night. Mmm, loganberry!
What is a beauty consultation? Do you need one?
Do I need one? You mean, do I go against the current, like myself and the way I look, and try often not to conform to the current societal idea of beauty?
Is there a bridal style that will never look outdated?
Wait, TheWeddingChannel can predict the future?!
Can you improve your complexion before the wedding?
Not “should you,” or “do you want to,” but “can” you? Cuz, yanno, you’re never good enough. Stress, worry, and improve! Stress, worry, and improve! And, above all, don’t actually enjoy your engagement. Earning “your big day” is hard work, missy. Do you really think you have the right to get married with bad skin?
What are the most common beauty emergencies?
I have the feeling this link is mostly about popping and/or hiding zits, but I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Is there a sensible exercise program for brides?
You know, since every bride has to earn “her big day” by obsessive exercise with the main goal of losing weight and/or invisibly “toning” “problem areas” so that she can “look good on her big day.”
Can you do your makeup without a professional?
Oh for Christ, what are we, twelve?
How can you fit exercise into a busy schedule?
Again, hamster meet wheel.
What are the current tooth-whitening options?
Tooth-whitening is important for brides-to-be, since they’re diet consists mainly of frozen diet dinners and low-fat lattes, the latter which stains one’s teeth. Also, if you really want to earn “your big day,” taking up smoking can be an effective way to “lose the weight.” No health hazard is as bad as jiggling down the aisle. Women aren’t supposed to jiggle.
Should you tone up your arms for a sleeveless gown?
Yeah, what are the ‘experts’ going to say to this one…no? You should just proudly display your cellulite and your flabby underarms to the world? Dammit, what did I say about earning “your big day”?? Get to work, you flabby freak! You have to starve, sweat, and muscle-build to earn “your big day.” It’s not like you can get it for free. Mr. Groom shouldn’t have to marry the girl he proposed to…he’s expecting version 2, post-starvation, beach-cruise-tanned-and-toned Mrs. Groom! And you daren’t gain any weight after “your big day,” either, or he might write to Dan Savage seeking moral support for wanting to cheat on your with that skinny blonde woman at work (heck, it’s not his fault you “decided to get fat.”).
How can you make sure your makeup lasts all day?
Can you achieve a natural-looking tan without the sun?
What colors complement an ivory skin tone?
Scanning down the list, I see this is way above the other skin tones, for some reason. Uh, wow. I mean, if these are mostly white chicks checking out the site, fine, whatever, but wouldn’t they know what colors complement their skin tone (ivory or no), from, I dunno, a lifetime of living in it?
Is there a safe way to slim down for your wedding gown?
Again, not “should I” or even “I want to, is there a safe way” to slim down, just the natural expectation that brides need to starve starve starve to wear those couture dresses that are paraded on bone-racks of unmarried teenagers. And furthermore, why don’t you just buy a fucking dress that fits YOU instead of torturing your body to fit IT?
How can makeup flatter an olive complexion?
Oh hey, another skin complexion! This one is further down the list, signifying its minority status. Sigh.
For a dark complexion, which colors look best?
I don’t get it, why weren’t these up near the “nearly-transparent ivory” tone?
What are the benefits of hiring a personal trainer?
Because, yanno, you have to “lose the weight” else not earn “your big day”! Besides that personal trainers are slavedrivers that shame you and hold you to your stated “goal” weight even when you’re dying of starvation, bedraggled, anxious, hating yourself, and hating your engagement? Even when your body is cuing you like mad to stop torturing yourself and eat something, rest, and enjoy? Yeah, a personal trainer doesn’t have your body, so they won’t know its cues. Therefore, when you no longer want to push yourself (a survival reaction from a tortured, sick, starving body), a personal trainer won’t care, labeling you simply as a number on a scale.
What foods will keep you healthy and energized?
Listen to your body, it knows! Oh, know, you mean low-calorie, high-fiber, low-fat, low-sugar, right? D’oh! *facepalm*
When should you start a bridal beauty routine?
Huh? It’s a routine? Then doesn’t that mean it doesn’t start, it just exists…since it’s a routine?
For combination skin, which products are best?
What types of makeup photograph beautifully?
Is there a way to test makeup before buying it?
How soon before the wedding should you wax?
Holy god, they’re unleashing EVERY FUCKING FEMALE SELF-TORTURE RITUAL EVER CONCOCTED! I’m surprised they don’t ask if you should douche before the wedding night.